Words of Warning from the Right Reverend Brooks

By customer on June 10, 2010 | Add a Comment

Note from Michele: Brooks Sigler is a very talented local author. She'll be reading at RiverRun Bookstore on Monday, June 14th at 7pm with Hyatt Bass. More details on their event here. 

Guest Blog Post by Brooks Sigler

Preparing for a wedding sucks. I hate that word "sucks," but I can't think of another verb right now. Maybe when I wrap it all up. As you plan a wedding, the people around you become these strange little caricatures of themselves, biting at your ankles, sticking their fingers in your pie. Do with that metaphor what you will.

I met my husband in 2004, and we were engaged to be married on Father's Day of that same year. Our wedding itself was fabulous, by the way, but I barely had time to polish my rock before my family set upon me with their questions about where I was registered, when I was getting married, what I was planning on wearing. In their defense, my family is pretty excitable about most things, so I should not have been surprised by the atomic assault.

However, I was surprised by other things people did because they seemed to forget or not know how fragile brides can be or even that the wedding was not about them, but about my husband and me. Two-thirds of my bridesmaids made me cry at least once. One of my husband's groomsmen sent me into orbit. My mother-in-law, bless her heart, who raised only boys, had something to add about almost everything I did, which drove my future sister-in-law to distraction because, well, she was the filter for it all. Guests added guests to their response cards. When the first caterer we tried didn't feed my father, I thought he was going to bake and stuff them. Mare, my normally laid back mother, wanted to add guests she had once talked to at a concert in '66.

August of this year I am officiating a wedding for two people who got reacquainted at one of my book signings in 2009 at the Meriden Public Library in Connecticut. Jessica, the bride, and I share many, many similarities including but not limited to the fact that we both attended St. Mary School (now closed) and Cornell. As I listen to Jessica's tales of her wedding adventures, I am getting sympathetic symptoms like hives and minor panic attacks. Before the full impact of planning did set in, I warned Jessica,"Give everyone information on a need-to-know basis. The majority don't need to know." However, one cannot control all people and all situations. Jessica, poor thing, had a fitting the other day. She had lost some weight, not that she needed to, but the sizing of the dresses was changed, and somehow the shop ordered her the wrong size. Needless to say, this caused a hullabaloo. Even when it was established the shop had erred, the attendant said to Jessica, "Are you sure you didn't gain weight?"

If you are involved in any way with a wedding this season, and you are not the bride or the groom, let me give you some tips:

•    It is NOT your day. I don't care if the bride and groom want to dance naked with socks covering their private bits a la The Red Hot Chili Peppers, keep your mouth shut or don't attend.
•    Wear what the bride tells you to wear. Don't alter it, adjust it, or suggest another shade. It is one day, people. Deal with it.
•    If it isn't on the registry, don't get the couple one.
•    Do not make comments about the music the couple intends to play. See the first bullet point for clarification.
•    When you give the couple money to help defray costs, this is a gift not a bribe.
•    Be on time. The invitation says 5:00 P.M. not WE'LL WAIT TO START THE CEREMONY UNTIL YOU GET THERE.
•    If the wedding planner tells you to get off the lawn and take your seat, do it.
•    Don't kvetch about where you are seated either. This is a temporary thing. Unless you are attending the wedding of the Marquis de Sade, no one is tying you to the chair for the duration.
•    The couple has probably agonized over whom they can and cannot invite, do not add your best friend Beeker to the response card. Also, don't complain about when you get your invite. You got one, didn't you?
•    Unless one of the caterers or waitstaff has made some egregious error like slapping you upside the head with a ham hock, avoid telling the bride or the groom your steak was a little too pink or that your peas were a trifle salty.
•    This should go without saying, but given what my friend Jessica just told me, I have to say it. Don't comment about the bride's weight, skin, feet, elbows, eyelashes, mustache, unless you are going to say something like, "I have never seen that shade of mustache on a woman before. Exotic!"
We all know brides have their moments, but think of the stress on these women. Planning a wedding bites, don't bite back.